Is “Be Kind” the answer?

We’ve been told to “be kind”, to practice “random acts of kindness”,  and that if we cannot say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

I’ve been grappling with this for the past few years, during one of the most transformative and divisive periods for many of us. And amid the rise of virtue signalling and cancel culture.

For a very long time now, I’ve been in what can be called the spirituality, personal-growth, self-help, and non-mainstream wellness space. In my research for writing for What Therapy, I often come across articles on how to be happy, lead a fulfilling life, and enjoy wellness and abundance. I’ve also been complicit in writing many of these articles. Some of these topics are practicing gratitude, be forgiving, and a litany of how-tos. 

For this article, I did look online to see what this kindness approach is about, rather than my own idea. Much of what I found is how it makes YOU feel like a better person by doing certain things. Articles often mention offering a helping hand, paying a compliment to a stranger, smiling, and paying it forward. These are said to be ways to boost YOUR happiness and gratitude/appreciation for life and by extension, change the world for the better. I agree that these actions in of themselves can shift a situation. However…

Social Media Engagement

For a long time, and solidified by the last few years, so much of our social engagement is online. As we know, there are pros and cons. I’ve “met” and become friends with people I wouldn’t have otherwise. I can keep in touch with my diaspora, especially as I and most of my friends have relocated. Also I have gained access to information and clarity that I may not have as well as to amazing energy exchanges.

With anonymous online presence, however, it’s also become easy to say things that would otherwise not be said. Much gets “lost in translation” as well in online communications. Misinformation or otherwise questionable content, furthermore, can be inserted by bots that, for example, Twitter has identified and deleted. Misunderstandings easily arise and “conversations” can quickly devolve into viciousness, name-calling, cruelty, and even curses. It’s quite a landscape of flux to navigate, not quite as social as many have suggested.

Be Kind as a Strategy

Invariably, someone chimes in with “be kind” or “don’t say anything if you have nothing nice to say.”

The thing with “be kind” is that there is a collective definition or at least an amorphous meaning, that depends on the group. We have witnessed what can be termed moral or spiritual superiority. What is “kind”? Is it telling the truth gently though superficially so as not to hurt someone’s feelings? Is it focusing on the “positive”?

Oftentimes, truth is difficult to hear. Many people are actually seeking validation and affirmation from their “tribe” when they post online. Or they just want to rant. I do appreciate those “rant warning” disclosures. So they aren’t necessarily there to hear a dissenting opinion. Even when we say we want to hear the truth, many don’t have the skills to process what we hear or to discern whether what we are hearing is actually true or helpful. We all have propensities and biases. Early life experiences have set up patterns that we may not be fully aware of and that we act unconsciously from.

Consensus Reality

Most people live in consensus reality, with its rules of engagement. These tribal and collective rules, definitions, and morality. Some people use the term NPC (Non Player Characters) to identify those who participate in and perpetuate the Program. They do this by looking to external authorities for answers, and to inform them of what is right. They may even justify or defend their decisions citing the authorities. Mostly they offload personal responsibility. Interestingly, this term has been gaining popularity especially in the “truther community”, as did the trend of calling others “toxic” or a “narcissist” now spreading beyond the wellness sphere. I’d like to note that in our biases some of us may not be fully comprehending our own role in interactions we have or we may be taking more than our share.

Both Penta and WA are the homogenizing agents. They’re there to strip you of your uniqueness. They’re there to strip you of your unique authority. They’re there to put you in the service of something that you have no conscious access to…and I can see that 4% of 4% can be transformed… And yet at the same time, the knowledge of HD is not just there for those that will wake up.

Ra Uru Hu

Human Design & HOmogenization

In Human Design, there are two types of trans-auric forms, depending on the number of people in aura. As we know and have witnessed, there is a mob mentality that takes over when in a large group. In Human Design, this is the WA, one of these trans-auric types. Both trans-auric forms pull us into the Programming, into homogenization.

“Be kind” to me is one of these homogenizing forces. Being kind is a conditioning force that keeps us as sheep. That is when we are not acting as ourselves and without awareness of a greater agenda. It takes great courage to stand as yourself, apart from the crowds. To say no, when your inner guidance leads you that way. It’s much easier to hide behind “be kind” instead of facing the discomfort that often exists navigating as yourself in a homogenized world. Perhaps we’ve even been conditioned to protect ourselves against others. Others who may, can, and are likely to touch our wounds by calling others to “be kind”. I’m advocating for individuation rather than blanket advice and standards of judgement that is “be kind”. Even if this means you come across as an asshole, strange, or whatever.

The Undefined Heart Centre

The Human Design bodygraph shows we have nine energy centres. The undefined centres are where we are here to go to school this lifetime. Those themes and energy are what we are here to learn about. Most people have an undefined Heart/Ego/Will Centre. Whenever that’s undefined, the not-self theme of needing to prove ourselves becomes the foundation of not-self patterns of behaviour.

I think we can see this when someone gets close to a deep wound that we’ve been trying to protect and hide from others our whole life, we then try to prove we are strong and not vulnerable. With an undefined Heart Centre, we also amplify this willpower to argue with someone. That is until we don’t have that energy anymore. “Be Kind” can be a sort of tapping out in a fight. I’m out of energy but here’s my last word scenario. (By the way, those with this centre defined, because they have this energy consistently, will easily have the last word and can argue with you until the cows come home.)

To me, being nice, kind, and compassionate is not going to change the world. In case, you were wondering, or asking. Not when we choose to be polite and stay at the surface, for fear of the backlash of cancel culture or being rejected in some way. Not when we act from our fear of confrontation or need to look like we have a healthy dose of self-esteem when we don’t. Or when we are trying to toe morality rules that are built for the majority, without taking into account of the nuances of individual experience. Most of all, the pursuit of being kind comes from the mind. It predetermines the situations where we believe someone is suffering and needs our help. It takes us away from honouring our body consciousness, which may not have put us in these situations to begin with. We are also not respecting the other.

The Human Design Lens

In the Human Design system, we talk about correctness. That means making decisions as who we are. Correctness does not preclude actions that may come across as cold, unkind, and selfish. This does not mean they are. It just comes across as such for the masses who’ve been homogenized to think a certain way, to behave in certain acceptable ways. Being homogenized means making decisions from a collective standpoint, from the mind, rather than from our own authority.

Who we truly are, as unique differentiated selves, takes time to emerge. It takes years to decondition, to release deep conditioning that has distorted our mind – our framework – to live as our not-self. Deconditioning is a cellular process and occurs as we follow our Strategy and Authority. Knowing and intellectualizing Human Design, without being in the Experiment, can dangerously lead us to be better versions of our not-self. Instead of shedding our auto-pilot programming, we become more entrenched in it, even if in a different way. Because we continue to not truly see, process, share, act or make decisions as who we truly are.


We are each unique, when we live as ourselves. We are also here to see a slice of reality.

What we share, from alignment, is helpful to those we meet. It’s like little treasure chests you find in a game. Those that give you clues to the next part of your journey. It’s also important to remember that it is only one part, and not the entire truth. This is why correctness is important. It aligns us with the right people, at the right time, in the right place to receive this precious and pure outer authority from others. We don’t need to see the entire reality. Just remember what we see is not the entirety and to not enforce or impose otherwise on others. This also points to our interdependency and interconnectedness. We are here to be in the world, with the other.

If you’re someone who advocates “be kind”, I get it. I get that you want injustices and suffering to end, for peace to spread and transform the world, for conversations to unfold more deeply, for us to hear each other. I get it. Here’s another piece I’d like to offer. Some of us are not tribally-oriented. Half of us have a defined solar plexus. This means we need time to be clear before engaging with others. Half of us are not strategic and function very differently. All of us have specific people who can hear us and impact us and vice versa. These are people on our fractals. There are many reasons why we get chaos and distortions, why we have misunderstanding of each other. Simply, we may be entering into interactions that aren’t for us and in that incorrectness, we suffer the consequences of misalignment.

For us to flower into our potential means we first acknowledge that we are each very different and different is not inherently bad or dangerous. We have our own trajectory and reality is subjective. What is true for me, as I discover it in response as a Manifesting Generator, is not necessarily true for you. So we don’t insist it is. Compassion, self love and love for humanity naturally arise when we recognize that conditioning forces exist in the world, which homogenizes all of us in some way, at some time, on some level.