The Thing about “Toxic People”

How may toxic people look like?
Toxic : harmful, dangerous, noxious, poisonous, injurious

Basically, they make you feel like sh*t. Like a piece of worthless, incompetent, unloveable sh*t. Toxic people will leave you feeling confused or like you are the psycho and they may pull you into a co-dependent and abusive relationship. These are people who tell you it’s because they love you, they do this or that. They make you feel dependent on them, on their approval, on their acceptance, on their love. And they are usually talking behind your back.

It’s not pretty.  It pretty much sucks.

And really who needs this in their life? I don’t. Right?

So let’s just cut them out. Good bye and good riddance.

End of the story.

Or is it?

(Whether toxic people intentionally want to do us harm is touching on the good vs evil sphere of philosophy, because toxic goes the spectrum of “simple” dismissal to mass genocide, which is quite a complicated topic so we will leave this aside.)

Does removing “toxic people” from our lives remove their effects on us?

The short answer is yes.  These specific people and their specific effects will be physically removed. For people who’ve done this, how do you feel? Does your self-confidence and self-love rebound? Are your boundaries strengthened in appropriate ways?

What happens when another friendship or marriage goes awry? How do you deal? Do you hang on to the “it’s them, not me” mentality?

As we know, everything is energetic and connected. The underlying reasons and energies that draw certain people and circumstances to us in the first place remain intact. Other people will show up expressing the same dynamics and the cycle continues apace. We are still unconsciously playing out the same patterns, unaware of or denying our own role and participation. We instead project all the blame on the external world – bad luck, mean people, the job, unreasonable boss …

They are an Opportunity for Growth

There are no accidents. No junk DNA. No energy destroyed. Maybe their existence in your life also has a reason?

In the collective unconscious, anything that we fear or that we believe to be dangerous are demonized. Like spiders and snakes. We perpetuate these beliefs by not questioning them. What if we approach them with an open mind to examine their role in our lives. Working with them as guides and archetypes is powerful medicine.

“Toxic people” present an opportunity for us to step beyond our own ego and find a higher purpose and perspective, as well greater compassion and understanding. When we stop seeing the world as black and white and pitting ourselves as “us vs them”, how we perceive our reality becomes different.

They are our inner expression

You may have noticed that someone we find toxic can be beloved and even revered by other people and that person showers them with love, respect, and benefit of the doubt. Of course, this can make us feel even worse!

So what is it in us that is being triggered?

For mountains of reasons, we somehow conclude that certain attributes are just plain ugly. We think they make us underserving, undesirable, “weird”, unloveable … Someone may have even told you in no uncertain terms. Bullies. So we try to cut these characteristics out. We push them into the closet, the shadow, and we suppress them. We put on masks and we script how we act with different people, to elicit what we need from each of them with behaviours that we feel will achieve that end.

No matter how hard we push, how perfect our makeup is, these characteristics are part of who we are, part of the belief systems we hold. Projecting them onto other people is a common, little-known, and subconscious strategy. It does not work. These other people (the “toxic people”) are merely screens for the movie of our life, the interplay between the conscious and subconscious.

A basic universal law is that for every force, there is an equal and opposite force. However we push away these energies –  judgmental, lazy, passive-aggressive, tardy, deceptive, etc, they are pushing out of the shadows. Hence people who express these attributes show up in our lives, in our conscious world. At the end of the day, healing is to become whole or rather to remember we already are whole. This means to accept the duality and the polarity that we embody and to make choices from beyond these opposites.

So if we look inward, we may ask – where am I being judgmental with myself and others? How am I being passive-aggressive, deceptive, inauthentic, unloving, harsh … Where are we angry at ourselves that is made visible by others?

It takes courage and humility to ask these questions.

They are awakeners

Let’s look at toxins from another point of view. Let’s take the example of arsenic and poison ivy. At certain dosage and exposure, these can cause serious harm and even death. Given in a homeopathic preparation, they are medicinal and activate the body’s own system to fight off the alien substance.

If we use this analogy, could our exposure to “toxic people” awaken and activate inner resources to support us to live a healthier and a more authentic life? Perhaps they trigger anger? Anger is our own sentry that alerts us when our boundaries have been breached. Instead of suppressing anger as society expects us to, we can work with this vibration to ensure safety, integrity, and personal space.

Springtime is associated with Liver and Gallbladder. This meridian family is connected to anger, bitterness, and resentment. Working with the emotions and the organ functions this time of the year can be tremendously powerful and healing. You can consider Jin Shin Jyutsu (which harmonizes energy flow), a supervised/supported liver and/or gallbladder cleanse, meditation – see more suggestions below. Here’s more on working with the element and energy of Spring.

Whenever you feel that someone is angry or someone has collided with you, you always think that he is responsible. This is how ignorance concludes, interprets.

Ignorance always says, ”The other is responsible.” Wisdom always says, ”If somebody is responsible, then I am responsible, and the only way not to collide is not to be.”

”I am responsible” doesn’t mean, ”I am doing something, that is why they are angry.” That is not the question. You may not be doing anything, but just your being there is enough for people to get angry. The question is not whether you are doing good or bad. The question is that you are there.

Osho

Our mental sanity, emotional serenity, and physical safety are non-negotiable. If we need to take leave of certain people, even for a short time, while we figure this out, then that’s probably the best thing. Cutting people out as the only action, however, is an unwise strategy. These same themes – abandonment, rejection, conditional love, misunderstood, disempowerment – will only find other backdrops, other people, and other relationships to play out through. These are lessons that on the soul level we wanted to learn, to evolve beyond. The suffering comes when we resist, when we insist on covering our eyes and ears and pretending it’s not so. The message is being transmitted – are we listening?

Theta Healing

With Theta, we work on releasing limiting beliefs. In its place, we can put divinely-inspired programs into the subconscious that enable us to live more authentically. This changes our whole energetic transmission and antenna. How people perceive (and receive) us and how we perceive (and receive) them will be radically different

The theta brainwave is very slow and allows us to tap into the creative force of the universe. It was developed in the 1990s by Vianna Stibal who was a massage therapist and a naturopath and it is now used by practitioners worldwide for a variety of complaints and ailments. Theta Healing is quantum mechanics in everyday action.

Cutting Energy Cords

We are all connected and sometimes the energy that flows through some energy cords is not so clean or positive. By dissolving these cords, we become free of the past and expectations.  The energy we send out is no longer of these dirty icky cords. We are still connected with a heart cord which is beautiful.

Work with Archetypes

Archetypes are energetic living beings. They are impersonal and universal. Our individual experiences and life fill out these templates which provide us with valuable insights and transformative power.  According to Caroline Myss, we have four survival archetypes, including the Victim Archetype.

Past Life Regressions

Belief systems are ingrained. They don’t happen overnight. They have a seed somewhere from some point in time. (Past Life) Regressions can take us to ground zero and understand the higher meaning and purpose. With healing techniques, we can let go of the traumatic vibrations and retain the lessons and wisdom.

Another way PLR can help is this. Have you met someone who you instantly dislike or even hate? Who we meet in this life, even that “accidental” bump on the street, is choreographed, sometimes from a wide berth of possibilities.

Somewhere sometime we may have experienced a terrible ordeal with them. Again with healing, this can be healed so that the charge is de-activated.

Certain people can also trigger us (and vice versa) because they strongly represent the Mother Archetype, for example, and if we have issue with our mother or The Mother, relationship challenges with these people can be present.

Or perhaps we have a soul contract. PLR or working with Akashic Records can yield insightful and valuable knowledge.

Work with An Astrologer

The thing with communication and relationship is that we forget the energetic component. Sometimes it is us who are sending the less-than loving signals and energy out to people around us. Our astrological birth chart has amazing information for us, including our strengths and lessons.

Ho’oponopono

I love you
I am sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you

Don’t let the simplicity of these statements fool you. They are powerful. Dr Ihaleakala Hew Len calls this “cleaning” and going to zero. Now retired, he cleared out a whole psych ward at a hospital in Hawaii using this approach. Dr Len has an easy-going approach – you don’t even have to say all four statements. Experiment and use how you feel and how your life looks like as evidence of how this is working for you.

Let’s turn this whole question of “toxic people” around – have you considered you are the toxic one? The one who is holding others to certain expectations and standards?

Looking for the root of these dynamics is not laying blame. We all play different roles to different people. Before you decide to cut out all the “toxic people” – unfriending or blocking them on social media, being passive-aggressive, giving them the cold shoulder – let us all take 100% responsibility and let us first look at ourselves.