Fertility Coach Tanja Faessler-Moro recently introduced me to Felicia Tan and her current book, Lost and Found. I have been thinking a lot lately about writing an article on death, loss, and healing and a talk on grief. It is an important topic. Taboo still, perhaps but one that is very real. One that we tip toe around and one where deep healing is possible.
I read Felicia’s book with little background. Just that it was her second book. Her second miscarriage. Knowing the nature of the story, I was somewhat conflicted. Knowing that the ending would be of loss and sadness, it was difficult to even start reading. It felt like an intrusion into the most private and tragic moments of a couple’s life. To feel their dreams of parenthood shatter even before page one was not easy. But of course I was compelled to read it. Such stories are often better shared, linking strangers together in a circle of support and embrace and giving them strength and hope.
Lost and Found is especially poignant. It is Felicia’s second late-term miscarriage. She had lost her son Dominic late 2011. In less than a year, Felicia lost her twins, Elvis and Louis.
How does someone pull through?
That was my question as I read the book, a series of journal entries starting from January 30 2012 when Felicia talked about a new beginning, and the decision to start the next IVF round in two or three months’ time. Felicia’s blog entries are different and it was interesting to read the book and the blog entries in parallel, which I did for several.
Lost and Found covers the major events of her pregnancy, including how she dealt with the implantation, a fresh IVF cycle, scans, bed rest, hospital visits… Even knowing the ending, I was pulling for her through it all.
Felicia found her strength in God and support in her family, friends, and the Church.
People often seek a spiritual connection in times of challenge and ordeal. We always want to know why. We look for something bigger, something beyond us, to explain the inexplicable. We start looking at our life, examining what we have done so far, and the meaning of it all.
Having children may seem the most natural thing in the world but for those who have no fertility challenges, conception is often taken for granted. For couples who desperately want children but cannot or have not, it is the most painful, excruciatingly frustrating roller coaster experience. Like many women, Felicia also asked “when will it be my turn?” Like many others, she also demanded to know what she had done wrong, to deserve such a loss.
I personally believe there is really no answer to either question, except that there is a plan, a reason. I don’t believe we are sinners and therefore we are being punished. We grow from being tested (though I don’t believe this is the only way we do grow).
It takes great courage to share such a story. Felicia wrote the first book because “despite the tragedy, I want people to know that he, my son, did something good. More people came to know him and because of him, more people will be aware of such pregnancy-related problems. Because of him, they learn to appreciate their mums or children more”. For her second book, Lost and Found, Felicia invited collaborators to share their stories and to provide resources for her readers, including tips on how to cope with grief, how to provide support for the bereaved, benefits of physical fitness for expectant mums, and useful pregnancy-related terminology.
Who is this Book for?
Lost and Found is for anyone who has gone through a loss. Especially late-term pregnancies. Dominic was 23 weeks 2 days. Elvis and Louis were 21 weeks 2 days.
Relating to another person’s journey may provide needed support as well as tapping into the resources offered in the book can help the healing journey. It may be quite a scary story for those just trying to conceive. Instead, see it as an educational resource, about the IVF process and other conditions such as Cervical Incompetence, which is what Felicia has.
Yes, Lost and Found is about profound loss. But more than that, it is about hope and strength.
Felicia has two copies of her book Lost and Found for What Therapy readers. Just email What Therapy at Hello@WhatTherapy.com with the subject “Lost & Found Book Giveaway”. Giveaway closes November 30 2013.
Terms & Conditions
The Giveaway is open to all Singapore residents and all entrants will be added to the What Therapy mailing list for the newsletters, quarterly magazines, and other wellness news. Last day to enter is November 30 2013. The winners will be contacted by email and announced on the What Therapy website and Facebook page.